This post is Part 1 of 3 of my essay “Forced into Motherhood– The views of an obstinate, abstinent, young woman”. Because of its size, I broke it into three parts, please be sure to read through to the end, at your leisure:
Part 1:
- You’re young; you’ll change your mind
- Womanhood/Identity/Completion
- Selfishness and Cowardice
- Overpopulation/Abortion/Adoption
- Civic Duty
- Religious Duty
- Marital Duty
- Conclusion
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Let’s set the stage: I’m a 20-something, post college kid and, according to the perpetual social comparison website that is facebook, that means that I should be on my way to getting married, knocked up and gallivanting off into motherhood (not to mention posting weekly pictures of my swollen midsection and oodles of photos once the little tyke rips his way out (and if the number of pictures I took of my cat’s spontaneous eruption of kittens is any indication– you all will need a new RAM card for your computer if I ever do get pregnant)).
Enter: the part where I have not even a non-existent desire, but a negative desire, to produce biological children.
Cue: all of the world around me freaking out when I voice that opinion.
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I have heard a lot people produce a lot of arguments trying to convince me to have biological children, including, but not limited to: co-workers in the auto industry, facebook friends, future in-laws, and at least one person in every audience when the subject comes up. These people, who, by the way, really have no reason to be so involved in my sexual/biological/reproductive decisions, feel the need to inform me that it is something I REALLY have to do or else I am: un-Christian, un-American, selfish, cowardly and cruel. Because of my position, I have also been accused of not fulfilling my duty as a woman, working against evolution, and denying my partner and the rest of society the theorized “benefit” of my potential children. I have been told each of those things to my face (including in my own living room); I have been written off, un-friended on Facebook and I have been told that I have no idea what I’m talking about because “You’re still young; you’ll change your mind”.
I get more criticism for this than for my choice to be a vegetarian (which is a lot of criticism, by the way, which I mention in this other post). But just as I have personally gone about researching the moral/ethical/environmental/other implications of my dietary decision, I have given just as much thought, if not more, to my decision/opinion about my desire to (not) procreate. It’s part of my “live justifiably” mantra.
One of the really strange things about this situation is that I am currently an unmarried, twenty-something who has been historically vocal about her intentions to remain abstinent until marriage– so the entire conversation is actually just kind of ridiculous at this point. However, just because it is not pertinent at this time doesn’t mean that it will never be, so I’ve given the subject its due thought process. Below I’ve provided the logic that has lead me to my current standing decision below.
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1) “You’re young; you’ll change your mind.”
I have this theory that women are like glow sticks. There comes a point in the lives of (supposedly) most women, when something in them snaps, that causes them to get “The Baby Glow”. This usually happens around the 25th year of life, brought on by society, the biological clock or some other mystical force. “The Baby Glow” is characterized by looking at one-sises online, getting overly excited about attending the 4th baby shower this month and oogling the 17,000 aforementioned photos of the new baby that their husband’s-cousin’s-friend had. And for most women, that’s great. They feel like they know what they are “supposed to be” and aspire to achieve that dream. However, some of us are built a little differently and what we are made of will never result in “The Baby Glow”. I’m not saying that these women are “dull” or “duds”– what I am saying is that the glow they get comes from a different passion than motherhood.
I will admit, feverishly-anti-procreation-me may in fact change my tune when I turn 25. The possibility does exist. Chances are that I will change my mind– like 40 times over between now and when children are a semi-practical reality (so, like a decade from now). However, it is impossible for anyone external to myself to make the statement that I WILL ultimately change my mind with time. Hell, I can’t even guarantee that I won’t change my mind. So please, do me the favor of admitting your fallibility when it comes to predicting the actions of others and at least say that “You’re young; you might change your mind”– game theory isn’t a perfect science, you know.
As for me, I will choose to err on the side of caution. Even if I do decide that I want children, what’s to say that I will never revoke that decision just as I revoked my anti-procreation feelings? Unlike my diet, becoming a mother is not really a reversible decision; at least not with my other ethical/moral convictions. I can make the decision to eat a piece of steak at any time and affect only my system (and the poor cow). I cannot quit caring for a child (in utero or post) and affect only myself– I have the child, the biological father, my spouse (who better be the biological father if I have anything to say about it), our families and any other “support system” that will have to replace my position in the child’s life (so, entities like the State) that are affected by this decision.
Because of this chain of reaction/dependency, I don’t want to go into motherhood all wishy-washy. I don’t want to be lacking conviction as my calling as a biological mother. The next few years of my life as a young (soon-to-be-married) adult will likely have great amounts of input into my decision as to whether or not I want to produce biological children. It would be entirely irresponsible to have a child under the premise that “You’re young; you’ll change your mind” and its sister-theory: “You don’t like kids? Having your own is SO different. You’ll love your own children!” I feel like these conjoined conjectures can result in coercing a person to have a child and then having the person end up resenting their child’s existence. I’m sure you’ve seen it. There is (at least) one person in your life that truly doesn’t enjoy their children. I think the responsible thing to do, if you suspect that you may have this adverse reaction to parenthood, is simply to err on the side of caution and not induce parenthood until you have experienced the supposedly-inevitable aforementioned change of mind. If you haven’t yet and end up as a parent you could surprise yourself and end up loving every minute of it, but what a tragedy for both you and your child should you not!
2) Womanhood/Identity/Completion
Identity as a Woman: So all of the nonsense about how not being able to physically reproduce makes you less of a woman is a load of crap. If baby-making is a requirement, what happens to the womanhood of pre-puberty, “barren” or post-menopausal women? Their XX chromosomes don’t magically disappear. Additionally, I don’t think that being a mother at all is required to be a “woman”– even if you don’t choose to adopt, you get to keep your XX chromosomes too! So being able to produce or choosing to care for a child has zero implications on womanhood– period.
Social Identity: As my high school and college friends continue to get married and impregnated at (what to me, is) an alarming rate, the effects on social disconnectedness are astounding to me. Since I have entered the world of wedding planning, I can attest to the fact that I feel less connected to my unmarried friends, unless they also are in the process of planning their own wedding. I have less patience for stories of dating capers and catastrophes, but I will stay up an extra hour to hear about the issues another soon-to-wed is having with their DJ as I counter with my own tales of caterer-cancellation woe. And there is this weird sorority/fraternity sensation of accepted-ness by my other newly married peers that kind of say, “We were just there, heed our advice, and welcome to married life” that I would have not had before. And as cool as this sorority/fraternity sensation of acceptance is, it is NOT a reason to get married.
If you’re like me, you can picture your own parental figure saying to you time after time, “If your friends jumped off of a bridge to their death, would you jump too? Just because you’re friends are doing it doesn’t mean you should. ”
In the same way, just because many of my peers are choosing to jump right from the role of wife into that of mother, it is NOT a legitimate reason for me to follow suit. I’m sure my new-mom friends and I would form astounding bonds over the joys of baby milestones and the price of diapers– but that bond is not a reason to bring the responsibility of a child into your life if you aren’t otherwise ready for it. It is a benefit, but should not serve as a motivating factor.
Although I am currently enjoying this sorority/fraternity of the recently-wed, eventually my facebook posts will not revolve around having signed the venue, or the pastor, or the dress. The wedding will come and go. The decisions about the linen colors for our wedding day no longer impact my daily life. However, the decision to have a child would impact my life for the rest of its duration, as (short of tragedy) children are forever.
Personal Identity: Many mothers will attest that being a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to them or that being a mother is the best thing that they have ever done. That is fantastic for them. I’m glad that they have found what they feel like their calling is in life and have thrown their whole being into it. However, I’d like to think that in this great big world of ours, that there are other “best things” and “achievements” that can give the same sense of earthly fulfillment to different people. This is the reason why not all of us go to college for the same degree– we are all interested in different things and have goals that differ from one another.
I, for one, would probably go crazy if I had to be a stay-at-home Mom… I’m talking about taking a serious hit to my mental health. I think I would feel incredibly stagnant as a person and like I was missing out on the happenings of the outside world. As someone who is fascinated by culture, I would like nothing more than to move to a different country every few years, master the language, eat the food, learn what makes the citizens tick and take zillions of photos along the way. Being a parent would shrivel up a lot of opportunities to do these things. These dreams are a large part of my identity, as they shape the way that I live my life, spend my time and my money. This wouldn’t be an ideal life for a growing child. They require stability, friendships, a continuous school curriculum, a mother tongue… for me to chase these dreams and drag a child along with me would be selfish and detrimental to their well-being. No one likes being the new kid, especially not every couple of years! Plus, no one likes a screaming baby on a plane.
So… speaking of the selfishness of dragging a child around the planet with me in my dream life…
3) Selfishness and Cowardice
In all honesty, pregnancy and childbirth are traumatic.
Physically: The woman’s body is invaded by a foreign life-form (sperm), which attaches itself to her cells and begins to nourish itself off her nutrients (the definition of a parasite). Once the cluster of cells with genetic material which is abnormal to the woman’s body (like the definition of cancer) finishes nine months of free-loading, in a bloody, sometimes day-long ordeal, it rips its way out of the woman’s anatomy. Some of these tears never heal quite back to their prior state. Essentially, the woman is trying to squeeze a watermelon-sized object out of a nickle-sized orifice. Even though it is a “natural process”, sometimes the watermelon is too much for the nickle and doctors must remove the disgruntled guest via an invasive surgery. This process is so taxing to the woman and child that despite “modern medicine” in the United States there are still high maternal and infant mortality rates. It may be the “miracle of life”, but you have to admit, that’s one terrifying miracle*.
Mentally/Emotionally: As if the physical elements of childbirth weren’t enough to have to prepare for, there exists also the possibility for mothers to experience various mental/emotional troubles which stem directly from pregnancy. Despite our “First-world” status in the US, the miscarriage rate is about 15-20%. This includes only spontaneous loss of the fetus before 20 weeks; after 20 weeks, the loss of the fetus is called a “premature birth,” of which the rates were at about 11.7% in 2013. To a family eagerly-anticipating a child, a miscarriage or premature birth naturally brings with it a sense of loss. There is a lot of excitement and preparations made to welcome the child, as well as bonds formed while the child is still in the womb, which these unfortunate events tear asunder. Not to mention that most expectant mothers and fathers announce the eventual arrival of a little one, which then they will have to regretfully explain was unexpectedly cancelled to whomever innocently asks about the pregnancy. I imagine it must be the ultimate instance of getting your hopes up and then having them ripped away from you.
Even if the fetus remains viable for the duration of the gestation period, the CDC says that approximately 3% of all babies born in the US have a “major structural or genetic birth defect”. The responsibility of caring for a child with a severe birth defect or genetic disorder (and potentially caring for them into adulthood) is a huge feat; one that people are probably never quite ready for– even if they do prenatal genetic testing. Prenatal genetic testing in and of itself can also be emotionally straining– if there exists the possibility that your child may have some severely debilitating condition because of their genetic cocktail, do you want to know ahead of time? The couple has to determine if they prefer the anxiety of not knowing to the anxiety of potentially discovering that their child has tested positive for something unpleasant. And if the child does test positive, what should the couple then do about it? They must decided if they want to terminate or continue with the pregnancy and commit themselves to 18+ years of putting in 110+%.
Even at the completion of a golden gestation and birth, the mother is not entirely out of the woods. According to the APA, postpartum depression is estimated to affect 9-16% of postpartum women. A child drastically changes the lifestyle of each parental figure involved. Socially, romantically, financially, physically, career-wise, responsibility-wise, priority-wise, sleep-wise… the list could probably continue forever. Even if this isn’t the couple’s first child, life dynamics will likely change drastically. Each of these lifestyle changes, or a combination of them, can provoke postpartum depression.
There is a sense of “It would never happen to me” around each of these issues. And true, you might have the perfect text-book pregnancy; I hope that you do, should you choose to become a mother. But it is important to know which risks you are taking (that are usually glossed over) when you take the plunge into pregnancy and motherhood.
Financially: My public school system had a “Health” program attached to our gym classes. In this class we learned about drugs and sex (but surprisingly, and disappointingly, not Rock-n-Roll). I remember one day, in an effort to motivate kids to avoid having unprotected sex, there was a lesson about the cost of parenthood. I remember feeling specifically flabbergasted at the cost of diapers… I didn’t even have to factor in the cost of formula/toys/clothes to cross my legs a bit tighter! Now, in my twenties, hearing my friends bemoan their sticker-shock at all the prenatal vitamins/checkups/tests/hospital bills/breast-feeding implements I don’t think I would even have a chance at doing the math in my head. And that’s just for the first year or so. Then will come the other 17 years of their childhood with birthday parties, field trips, sports fees, fairs, family vacations, and Christmases “required” of a “good parent”. And let’s not forget the cost of giving them a firm foundation for their future by sending them off to college! Without some serious financial planning this would seem insurmountable. The lead cause of couples fighting is commonly cited as finances… which just compounds the stress of the openly-weeping wallet-woes.
Summary: I feel like these are all valid reasons to shy away from procreation. I value my physical, mental, emotional, and financial integrity and avoiding pregnancy helps my self-preservation efforts on all of these fronts. It is my body and wellness that is put into jeopardy during the procreation process, and I do not deem the Reward:Risk ratio to be high enough to justify having a biological child. I think that there is nothing unnatural or bad about trying to avoid avoidable traumas. That is my (current) personal assessment. It doesn’t have to be yours. Maybe my views on these subjects do make me selfish by your definition. That’s fine. Then do you really want such a “selfish” person having a child? So do my theoretical children and the world a favor by not encouraging me to procreate and further impose this ‘selfishness’.
*Although I completely un-romanticized pregnancy and birth in the previous paragraphs, I am not trying to insult those who have given birth. Quite the contrary. Kudos to (most of) you! Given all of the above, I don’t think that I would choose to do it. I will admit, I am afraid of the process and parental-commitment, just like you might be afraid of confronting spiders that wander into your home. But I can handle spiders. To each their own fears and motivations to overcome them. It doesn’t mean that I can’t face my fears, it just means that if there was someone else more willing to confront my fear for me and get the job done, I’m all for it. I honestly think that I am better built for a different challenge– adoption. Which brings me to… Part 2!
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This concludes Part 1. Please continue with the next part of the series, Part 2!
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